Peed Off!

When I was a little boy, Nanny Tracey had a couple of photograph albums, one for me and the other for Auntie Jessica. In amongst the pictures of our birth and first tentative steps were written biographies of what we liked, funny things that we said and other recollections, of friends that we'd made, programmes we'd like to watch and things teacher's had said about us. Mummy and I haven't quite gotten into the same routine, but here on my blog, I can write our own recollections, things that will come back to embarrass you in the years ahead.

For example. A week after Mummy and Daddy got married, Daddy had got back home from football and Mummy said that there was a problem with the television, she couldn't work out how to fix it. Daddy took one look and said "that's not a problem, that's broken". After you had gone to bed, and Mummy herself had gone out, Daddy took a look around where the television was to see if there was anything noticeably wrong. I saw straight away that something had happened.

There was a patch of what was liquid on the television stand, but it had dried, so I couldn't see what it was. I licked my finger, dabbed it into the powdery substance and I tasted it. Just to see if I could work out what it was. It tasted distinctly like wee-wee. Don't ask me what wee-wee tastes like, by the time you read this, there will be no doubt that you yourself will know what it taste's like - everyone does! With that, I was led into two conclusions. It was you, or the cat. I had hoped that it wasn't the cat for obvious reasons. So it could only have been you, a fact which you confirmed under questioning the very next day.

When asked why you did it, you said that you didn't know, and just shrugged your shoulders. It later turned out, after we sent the television off for investigation towards repairs that it would cost us £1,100 (nearly twice the price of the television) and that it's fault had been caused by a small fire in the inside of the screen, a couple of circuits had fried and we were very fortunate that the whole thing hadn't blown up! Or that you hadn't electrocuted your dinkle!

If that had caused us all sorts of problems and pain, a little over three weeks later whilst you were watching your "films", a catch-all phrase to anything you see on television, you decided that you couldn't be bothered to go upstairs to use the toilet and would instead prefer to cause us yet more grief. Rather than wet yourself, you knew that we would tell you off, so you peed in the only place in the lounge we wouldn't be able to find it. Inside the sub-woofer, part of our surround system. Unfortunately for you, Mummy walked in just as you were finishing and she witnessed fully how you had turned the speaker on it's back and peed in the hole which the sub-woofer uses to let the air escape.

After being put straight into bed and told in no uncertain terms how cross Mummy was, she took apart the speaker in order to dry it out, but in doing so she discovered evidence that pointed towards a frequent use of this electrical item as use of Oliver's own personal potty. I arrived home to a very cross Mummy and a very sad Oliver who didn't want to go to bed just yet but who was obviously sorry and aware that he had committed a crime too many. When asked once again why you had done it, you replied, "but Daddy, yeah, it was broken, yeah, so I did it again and broke it again". Not really an explanation that made much sense, but it seemed to perfectly vindicate your actions - if only to yourself!

After seeking advice on how best to combat this rather erratic behaviour Mummy and I devised a sticker chart to reward your successful lavatory excursions, if you made the effort, like normal people to go upstairs for your tinkle, you would gain a sticker as just reward. This, so far has been working a treat, your sticker fetish was rather extreme - even for three year old standards and so this method seemed to be a perfect antidote to our little problem.

Knowing that this was only caused by your reluctance to step away from the television for two minutes to use the bathroom, your punishment was a banishing from your "films" and your sticker rewards led to half-hour allocations of time in which you could watch whatever you wanted. Whether it be "Little Einsteins", "Handy Manny", "Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Jungle Junction or Special Agent Oso", all of your current favourites!

Although this whole episode could have led to some serious consequences, it is generally something that luckily we can look back on and laugh at. It has been a rather unique story to tell our friends and family, not something particularly to be proud of mind. But behavioural wise it is the exception to the rule. Mummy and Daddy are just looking forward to retelling it all over again when you bring home your first girlfriend!